Relief and Grief - Understanding ADHD After 35 - Jim Livingstone - ADHD Optimist

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Relief and Grief:

Understanding ADHD After 35

Getting diagnosed after 35 often brings contradictory emotions. There's profound relief: It wasn't just me. There's a reason. I'm not lazy or broken. Many women describe finally understanding their entire lives through a new lens.

But there's also grief. Grief for the younger version of yourself who struggled unnecessarily. Anger at systems that missed it. Sadness for opportunities lost or paths not taken because you didn't have the support you needed.

Both feelings are valid. Hold space for them both.

Why This Moment Matters

If you're experiencing this revelation in your late thirties, forties, or beyond, you're part of a remarkable surge in ADHD diagnoses among women over 35. And it's not because ADHD suddenly appeared in your life—it's because life finally made it impossible to ignore what was always there.

For years, maybe decades, you were the "smart but disorganised" one. The person who could accomplish miracles under deadline pressure but forgot important appointments. You created elaborate workarounds, relied on adrenaline and last-minute panic, and privately wondered why basic adulting felt so impossibly hard when everyone else seemed to manage just fine.

You told yourself you needed to try harder. Be more disciplined. Get it together already.

The truth is, you were trying harder—much harder than most people around you. You just didn't know you were working against a different neurological operating system.

When Everything Becomes Too Much

There are specific life stages when ADHD symptoms intensify, when the coping mechanisms that barely held everything together finally buckle:

Hormonal changes: Perimenopause and menopause bring fluctuating estrogen levels, which directly impact dopamine regulation. Many women report their ADHD symptoms becoming dramatically worse—increased brain fog, emotional volatility, and executive dysfunction that feels overwhelming.

Layered responsibilities: Career advancement, ageing parents, raising children, maintaining a household—the cognitive load becomes immense. The mental juggling act that once felt challenging becomes impossible. There are simply too many balls in the air, and your working memory was never designed to track them all.

Transitions and loss of structure: Maybe you changed jobs, moved cities, had children leave home, or went through divorce. External structures that compensated for executive function challenges disappear, and suddenly you're floundering.

Burnout's breaking point: Decades of pushing harder, compensating constantly, and feeling perpetually behind takes a toll. Chronic stress makes ADHD symptoms worse, creating a vicious cycle that eventually demands attention.

This is when many women finally seek answers—not because they're failing, but because they've been succeeding despite tremendous obstacles, and they simply can't maintain that pace anymore.

Rewriting Your Story

Discovering ADHD after 35 means reinterpreting your entire narrative. That time you were fired for being "unreliable"? Your brain needs different systems. The relationships that fell apart because you were "flaky"? You were struggling with time blindness and working memory issues. The career path you abandoned because you "couldn't focus"? You had an undiagnosed neurodevelopmental condition.

This reframing is powerful, but it's also painful. You might find yourself mourning:

• The younger you who internalise shame instead of getting support

• Educational opportunities missed because you couldn't "apply yourself"

• Relationships damaged by misunderstood symptoms

• Career potential limited by invisible barriers

• Decades spent believing you were fundamentally flawed

Let yourself feel this. The anger at parents, teachers, and doctors who missed the signs. The frustration with systems designed for neurotypical brains. The sadness for all the unnecessary struggles.

And simultaneously, let yourself feel the relief. The exhale of finally understanding. The hope that comes with naming your experiences. The possibility of doing things differently now.

Building a Different Future

Here's the beautiful truth: diagnosis isn't an ending—it's a beginning. You're not starting from scratch. You're taking all that resilience, creativity, and strength you've developed and finally adding the right tools.

Treatment opens possibilities: Medication helps many women over 35, particularly as hormonal changes intensify symptoms. Finding the right medication and dosage takes patience, but it can be genuinely life changing. Work with a psychiatrist experienced in adult ADHD who understands how hormones and ADHD interact.

Systems become your foundation: Stop trying to develop neurotypical organisational skills—it's not happening, and that's okay. Embrace external systems completely. Digital calendars with multiple reminders. Automatic bill payments. Visual timers. Body doubling apps. Whatever works, works.

Environmental design matters: Now that you understand your brain, you can make intentional choices. Seek work with flexibility and variety. Reduce visual clutter. Say no to commitments that deplete your executive function. Build routines that support rather than fight your neurology.

Community changes everything: Finding other women with ADHD—online groups, local meetups, or support communities—reduces the isolation you've likely felt for years. These are people who laugh knowingly when you describe putting the milk in the cupboard, who share strategies without judgment, who remind you that different doesn't mean broken.

Rewrite your inner narrative: That harsh inner critic has been your constant companion for decades. It's time to challenge it. When it says, "I'm so irresponsible," counter with "I have ADHD and I'm learning systems that work for my brain." When it says "I always fail," respond with "I've succeeded at many things while fighting upstream, and now I have better tools."

Address the whole picture: If you're perimenopausal or menopausal, hormone therapy might help ADHD symptoms significantly. Work with healthcare providers who understand the intersection of hormonal changes and ADHD.

You're Not Starting Over

The surge in diagnoses among women over 35 means you're not alone in this discovery. Resources are expanding. Research is finally focusing on adult women. Clinicians are becoming more informed. The conversation is changing.

You don't need to transform overnight. Start small: one new strategy, one treatment option, one conversation with someone who understands. Progress with ADHD isn't linear—there will be great days and terrible days, and both are part of the journey.

Your past struggles were real, but they were never moral failings or character flaws. You survived without a map, and now you finally have one. That younger version of yourself deserves compassion, not criticism. She did the absolute best she could with what she knew.

And you? You're still doing your best—just now with understanding, language, and tools that actually match your brain.

Relief and grief can coexist. Hold them both gently. And then, when you're ready, take one small step forward into a future where you're finally working with your brain instead of against it.

You've already proven your strength. Now imagine what you can do with support.

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